Delusions of grandeur
If X-men started the era of bankable comic book adaptations, then Spider-man was the one that set the standards. Nowadays critics and fans alike demand the kind of depth and character insight from every comic book reiteration since Spidey swung onto the big screen that even the original source materials never had. Take for example the first, oft-derided Fantastic Four movie. It’s breezy, non-offensive, and a little mediocre, exactly the tone of the original comic books, which had always been, you know, for kids. Which means that the greatest offense the Fantastic Four filmmakers had ever committed was by staying too close to the source material (bar the de-Count-Dracula-isation [or de-ridiculous-iation] of Doctor Doom; whether it was a good thing is up to fan-terpretation). Now, causing more outrage is the continuing saga of the Fab Four, Fantastic Four 2, with a fan-serviced subtitle “Rise of the Silver Surfer”.
The atrocity committed this time round started from the initial hyping up of the appearance of (spoiler!) the Fantastic Four’s enemy-turned-ally, the Silver Surfer, who looks like a giant hood ornament on a silver surfboard (sans wings, because the ’board already flies). In the first Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer teaser, we see the flying ornament being chased by a man literally on fire, Johnny Storm a.k.a. The Human Torch (a.k.a. Chris Evans) who also happens to travel by air. The atrocity here would be that the trailer had given critics and fans the false impression that the next Fantastic Four installment would have profound characterisations and deep, metaphorical meanings. I mean, people must be foaming at their mouths, because not only did FF2 not have said characterisations and meanings (and should not win any Oscars), but the filmmakers also changed the (spoiler!) real villain of the movie, Galactus from the original planet-munching, skyscraper-sized, middle-aged and paunchy white guy in purple spandex* to a planet-munching cloud of cosmic smoke. Truly, that alteration must have severely affected the integrity of the movie! Then, they stuck with the joke-y, playful banter from the first FF movie instead of the angsty, broody, and prune-facing themes of every other comic book movies out there (e.g. Spider-man 1 – 3, X-men 1 – 3, Daredevil, The Punisher, 300, Sin City, Blade 1 – 3, The Crow, Batman Begins, etc. etc.), which everyone must have really enjoyed watching pain and suffering over and over again. Please, Hollywood, don’t try new things; people hate them.
Seriously, guys. Nobody cares if you’re trying to make just one more superhero movie that doesn’t involve a character or two’s faces being beaten to a bloody PG-13 pulp (Spider-man trilogy) or body parts being lopped off (300, Sin City) so that pre-teens can watch without enduring any psychological scarring, or getting the wrong ideas. Or that Jessica Alba (playing, ironically, the Invisible Woman) bothered to risk toxic hair dye and contaminated contact lens solutions just to look like a character who isn’t even real, out of respect for the fans who are still criticising her for being half Hispanic and too beautiful**. (With her clout and star power as of 2007, she could have had not cared and easily done away with the artificial adornments.) Or that you managed to make the action sequences with the Surfer fun and awesome, and not entirely silly. Let’s just stick with the program; create violent flicks that just about scrape through the PG-13 rating (because comic books, with their cartoon, righteous heroes in colourful tights, only interest grown-ups), put in more purple-spandex-wearing fat guys, and most importantly, make the heroes as miserable and tortured and self-absorbed as you possibly can. And the best part is? People will love you for it, like they loved the Hulk.
- BMF
For the record: FF2 > FF1
Directed by Tim Story (Fantastic Four, Barbershop) and written by Don Payne (My Super Ex-girlfriend), Mark Frost (The Greatest Game Ever Played), and John Turman (Hulk). |
