| Kingdom of the Brainless Skull Indiana Jones and the Brainless Skull should have been the title for this movie. It’s completely Brainless and I can’t express any greater horror than imagining one the greatest iconic figure like Indiana Jones being downgraded to the lowest scum of the earth. It must be due to George Lucas’s creative thinking that created the Phantom Menace disgrace for the Star Wars trilogy, and now he has destroyed the Indiana Jones trilogy by adding the same deadly ingredient into it. I think that he has succeeded. First of all, I’ve to admit that I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark. Reason is because this movie has the perfect balance of ingredients; a good introduction of Character, Storyline, Adventure, and Humor. Indy 4? Very easy: repeat some Star Wars tragedy (e.g. The Phantom Menace tactics), recycle George Lucas and Steven Spielberg’s older movies (will elaborate further below) and using other people’s ideas; from Alien to the Predator! How cheap! This is the beginning of a disaster! Will Lucas create another two to try to make up for this, like he did for Phantom Menace with the Clone Wars and Revenge of The Sith? Anyway, let’s continue with the horror. The Beginning The movie started off with what I would like to call ‘The Great Indiana Jones Classic Scene’. It had the Spielberg ‘feel’, so during this time I was convinced that the movie was going to be good. The introduction of Indiana Jones revealed an ageing Harrison Ford coming out from the trunk of a Russian car. Well, Indy always get himself caught at times, therefore it’s not a surprise to see him this way. There is a new character, a Russian woman named Colonel Dr Irina Spalko, played by Cate Blanchett. She sports a seemingly identical ‘Uma Thurman’ haircut made famous by Pulp Fiction and clothes that came right out of an Austin Power movie. I don’t mind that they used a lady as a villain because they already used men villain for all three movies. Probably it’s time for a change. Inside the Warehouse Indy used his wits to locate a treasure that contains some sort of ‘hidden power’. While Dr Spalko is busy opening the box and being obsessed by her findings, good ol’ Indy made his trademark getaway. It was great to finally see old Indy using his whip and bashing the baddies after nearly 20 years. During his escape, he fought with a Russian guy on a railway vehicle and was blasted off the warehouse by some strong air ventilation. At this time, he discovered a town not far ahead. This part was quite strange. There were houses occupied by non-living fake people or mannequins. Suddenly, the whole place was about to explode. Indiana Jones, with his sharp thinking, hid in a fridge and managed to survive the blast. I thought this scene looked pretty familiar. Wait, was this an idea ripped off from Will Smith’s I’m Legend? Probably. The Blast catapulted the fridge containing Indy for miles away. It was actually a Nuclear Explosion! That was when I started to worry about what this movie was to become. Introduction of Mutt My first impression of Mutt: a leather-jacketed freak on a Harley sporting a James Dean hair cut. There was this scene where Indy and Mutt were having drinks at a cafeteria full of college/uni students that really reminded me very much of Back to The Future. Is this the message Spielberg and Lucas is giving us? Compiling their older movies into one? I am starting to believe it. Ruins scene – Retrieving The Skull The scene in the ruins is rather weak – the puzzles in the cave are too short, too simple and too predictable. Another problem – there are no classic booby traps (e.g. like spring darts, snakes, scorpions, etc.) The tribesmen looked like they just came directly from the latest King Kong movie directed by Peter Jackson. The difference is, these are modern Tribesmen who worship Mark Dacascos, watch only Only the Strong and are capable of doing Capoeira (Brazilian martial arts). Maybe it’s because Americans loved Jet Li and Jackie Chan, so these people are thinking: why not put some martial arts into it? I was like, "Oh… ok. " In the end, Indy took out a pistol and they all ran off. Sounds familiar? Reminded me of Indy taking out a pistol to shoot the guy with the large broad sword in Raiders of Lost Art’s market scene. The market scene was much better and funnier than this Skull one. The Crystal Skull really looks like a rip-off of Alien’s alien. It looked like one of those McFarlane toys that you could buy from the shelves. I was like, “what the…?” Captured in Russian Camp Indiana Jones was forced to have eye contact with the Alien skull. I thought they were going to electrocute him or something like in Rambo 2, but they chose to give the old man a break. Re-introduction of Marion Ravenwood Well, at this stage, we have a grandpa and grandma with a long lost son. Indy Mutt Junior. What else was there to expect? A triathlon for the oldies? Anyway, good to have Marion Ravenwood back. Professor Ox Oxley Oxley is a professor who went crazy after searching for the damn skull. What actually made me laughed was when he scribbled some cartoons on a paper that looked like something a kindergarten kid would draw. I was stunned because of how Indy could actually read anything out of the drawing. Cavemen could have drawn better than that. The Escape From The Prison Camp How long can an old man, an old woman, a crazy old fool and James Dean wannabe survive in the forest? Your bet is as good as mine. Stuck in some quicksand, Indy and Marion were already half way to the bottom. Mutt came back with something that looked like a fine rope. Pulled Marion up without any trouble. When it was Indy’s turn, I was amazed to see that the rope ain’t no rope, but an anaconda made of rubber material. Watch it closely and it’s actually a computer graphic snake, which is more fake looking than the plastic flowers in my house. What the hell is this? Imagine the agony! Imagine the stupidity! Is this the best they can do? I don’t get it. Really I don’t. Funny? There’s a difference between stupid and funny. In this case, it’s complete, pure stupidity. Forest Scene There was a forest chase scene between the Russians and Indy’s team. The whole thing sparked something in my mind. Doesn’t it look like it ripped off from one of Lucas’s Star Wars movies? I bet I’ve seen some Storm Troopers fighting with the good guys on speed bikes in a forest before. Very similar idea, except this one is much exaggerated. Imagine fencing on a jeep at a speed of 60 miles per hour and jumping across another jeep at that speed. Not only that, but when grandpa Indy jumped over to the opposite jeep containing at least 6 people, he managed to punch all of them and didn’t get a scratch. This scene makes the ridiculous movie Shoot ‘Em Up look pretty normal in comparison. In Shoot ‘Em Up, the hero did jump into a moving van full of guys, but at least he had a gun to shoot all of ‘em dead, not punch ‘em all dead! There was one "amazing" scene, probably the most illogical of them all. Mutt got stuck on a tree and was left alone with some monkeys. Jeep was already too far away, so how is he going to catch up with the others? Simple! Noticing some ropes on the trees, he did what George did. Not George Lucas, but George of the Jungle a.k.a. Tarzan. Jumping from one tree to another. Have you ever seen a Tarzan with leather jacket and James Dean hair cut doing that? Never in your lifetime! Bravo, creative stuff… NOT! Could it ever get more ridiculous than that? You bet! He actually jumped from one tree to another until he catches up with the jeep, and leapt into it! Defying the laws of gravity, physics and logic, he did it. What were George and Spielberg thinking at this point? I showed my two fingers – not the thumb or the pinky or the index, but the one that you show when you disagree totally about something this absurd! Sadly, it didn’t end there. Giant ants! The fun continues with Giant Ants from the sand. Reminded me of an episode from MacGyver where he was fighting killer ants that were infesting the earth. From this point of the movie, I already knew what this movie was going to become – the joke of the century. And guess what Indy used to scare those ants? His most gifted prize – the ‘Brainless’ skull. Probably the Skull was so ugly that the ants couldn’t bear to lay their eyes on it. Thus, the ants were “pushed aside” by the Skull, leaving a perfect round circle to prepare for the match between Indy and a Russian guy. And as predicted, the Russian guy falls into the ground full of giant ants and gets a gruesome death like those bad guys vanquished by dead souls in Raiders of the Lost Ark, and the guy with ‘The Last Gulp’ in The Last Crusade. Driving Down A Cliff And Surviving Deadly Waterfalls Without doubt, the craziest and perhaps the most illogical thing I’ve ever witnessed in the movie (apart from Tarzan Mutt) is the part when Marion drove the jeep down a cliff (at least 1,000 meters high) and landed on a branch, with all of them surviving without a scratch. I was shaking my head in disbelief. Even the Flintstones couldn’t match the ‘cartoon’ level of what this movie had reached. The adventure continues, with Indy and friends taking a boat ride down the perilous waterfalls of doom. Doom? Yes, you heard it. A Temple of Doom rip-off. I think even David Copperfield would have died attempting this Multiple-Bermuda Triangle suicide attempt. Your prediction is as good as mine. Not even a scratch, not even fatigue. The old folks have great stamina. Into The Temple The Tribesmen are back again, throwing their spears and spitting darts that don’t hurt Indy and gang! On another day, they could shoot crows moving at 30 mph and still able to bring ‘em down with one blow. Anyway, Indy the genius again uses his secret weapon – ‘The Skull’ of course! Immediately, the whole tribe bow before him. Convenient, as it works for both ants and human. There was a part where they rushed down steps that are moving rapidly into the brick wall. Have I seen this somewhere before? If I’m not mistaken, it’s National Treasure! Damn! Inside the Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull, there was this giant door with a ‘Skull’ shaped hole. Seems so obvious that it would open if he placed the skull there. Voila! Indy did exactly that, and the door opened. Boring! Kingdom Of The Skull Here sitting on their Thrones were what appeared to be the ‘Alien’ ancestors. Is this really an Indiana Jones movie or is it Indiana Jones and the Alien Trilogy? Everything looked pretty Stargate. And as predicted, the Russian lady found them, blah, blah, blah, then activated the switch of death. Everything started to explode, doors started to shut, cave started to shake violently and all of them managed to be safe except for Russian lady who will soon die in typical ‘Indy bad guy death scene’ style. Flying Saucer The agony, the pain, the frustration! Now what, a flying saucer? Spielberg! Why go back to Close Encounters of the Third Kind? Why bring memories from old movies to a great franchise that didn’t need to have such memories? But at this stage, I was relieved there weren’t any more sufferings to endure. The End. Suddenly, I had a strange feeling. Many questions were playing in my mind. Was it Indiana Jones I’ve just watched? Or was it Indiana Jones taking a Jurassic Park ride out of Spielberg’s career? I really don’t know. The strangest thing is perhaps the ratings for it. I see it getting two different ratings: 1) It is the most ridiculous movie I’ve ever seen (rating = WTF). This rating is applicable to real/true Indy fans (or die-hard fans with great sense and taste), real movie freaks, no-nonsense people and genuine movie critics. 2) It is the most awesome movie I’ve ever seen (rating = Badass). This rating is applicable to non-Indy fans, Indy fans with no sense of taste or direction, adventure movie seekers, retarded and stupid people. Meaning, there are two groups of people that could rate it as the best and also as the worse, depending on how you view it. To be honest and sincere, I have to choose Option 1 because I can’t tell a lie that Indy 4 sucks worse than shit and wasted both my 11 bucks and 2 hours of my precious time. Go watch Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Last Crusade to cleanse yourselves from the curse that this movie has brought into your innocent lives. P.S. The wedding scene was like the “dessert” for the Indy 4 course meal. It’s like after all the suffering they put viewers through; they calm ‘em down with a wedding scene. Actually, there was something missing for the rating: Option 3. The children/kids group should be included. Because I think children might like this movie. Directed by Steven Spielberg (Munich, War of the Worlds) and screenplay by David Koepp (Zathura, War of the Worlds). Stars Harrison Ford, Cate Blanchett, Karen Allen, Shia LaBeouf, Ray Winstone, Jim Broadbent and John Hurt. Based on a story by George Lucas and Jeff Nathanson, and characters created by Lucas and Philip Kaufman. |
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